Are we navigating through an era of narcissism, entitlement and incivility? By this point many of us have raised the question, “Is it me or is it them?” Recently I discussed this in depth with Dr. Ramani Durvasula. We want to uncover what in the world of narcissism is really going on.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. She is Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles and leads in the field of narcissism. Dr. Ramani is the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting. She’s authored a number of books on the topic of narcissism. Her latest book is titled “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People”.
Dr. Ramani’s work is centered on narcissism and its impact on relationships, mental health and societal expectations. She’s been a guest on SXSW, TEDx, Red Table Talk, the Today Show, and Investigation Discovery. Her work is brought into focus for a modern audience through accessible mediums like her Youtube channel, which is incredibly popular and other social channels including her newly launched Podcast.
We may be living in an era ripe with narcissists and entitled people. We’re also recognizing narcissistic behavior for what it is, largely due to discussions like the one we’re sharing here. In the past, support was only readily available to people who had access to the therapy room. Behind closed doors. Now, these conversations are out into the open exposing narcissism and its impact. We’ve still got a lot to learn, so we’re diving right in.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is a personality disorder that centers on self and on one’s own needs. This often comes at the expense of others. Narcissism can range from normal to an abnormal range of personality expression. On the high end of the spectrum is malignant narcissism. This form of narcissism is harmful.
Dr. Ramani explains that narcissism is a maladaptive personality because it puts them at odds with other people since it doesn’t account for other people.
A person becomes a narcissist through a complex combination of temperament, attachment, parenting, early life exposure and environment. It’s a blend of things that creates our personality.
Insecurity, shame and vulnerability are at the core of narcissism. The outer-shell of this are the things such as lack of empathy, sense of entitlement, grandiosity, the need for admiration and validation. They’re envious of other people. They think other people are envious of them.
They’re arrogant, they’re selfish, superficial, vain, and they think everyone wants to be like them. They covet being like other people, are very materialistic, and they are controlling. Narcissists are very motivated by power and domination.
Malignant narcissism is where you see dangerous behavior, coerciveness, manipulations, and cruelty. Not all narcissists are on that level. The “look at me,” and the “look at my breakfast,” type of narcissists we see on social media and in our lives, these people are emotionally stunted and might not be great to be around long-term, but they aren’t harmful.
Is Social Media Fueling Narcissism?
Narcissism has always been here. In different times, the audience was different. The narcissist still held court, behaved like a jerk and had no empathy. That’s not new. Now, we’re in the era of social media. It was great to explore the question with Dr. Ramani, “Is social media fueling narcissism?”
The internet is the perfect environment for the narcissist. Social media is a breeding ground for narcissists. We explore the role of social media when it comes to narcissism and how we can be more aware or raise awareness when it comes to recognizing the roles narcissists play online.
Dr. Ramani points out social media is not turning people into narcissists. Social media nurtures narcissism and it’s an environment that allows it to flourish.
Narcissists have been here long before the internet. With the internet we see vulnerable narcissistic people who are aggrieved, sullen, resentful and angry. They are paranoid and have no empathy. This form of grudging entitlement and failure to launch has elevated through social media. These narcissists are your internet trolls, your angry people. Social media pumps these individuals up.
“Social media does not create narcissism, it fosters it.” Dr. Ramani Durvasula
The Overlap of Narcissism and Ambition
Incredibly, there’s a bit of an overlap between narcissism and ambition. This might not come as a surprise. There are successful, ambitious people who also have narcissistic personalities. There are people who are peak performers who don’t.
Media has created a bias towards celebrating people who have achieved a high level of success. Even on Chase Jarvis LIVE, it’s a podcast where we’re interviewing high-performers. Are we enabling this celebration of a narcissistic personality? When we see people who are high performers sharing their work online does it mean they are a narcissist? When we aim for peak performance, are we a narcissist? Not always.
Dr. Ramani talks about the hierarchy structuring of human beings. We have a long history of paying attention to powerful humans, many of whom would be classified as narcissistic. The history books are full of them.
If a person wants to be a public figure and be on tv, it doesn’t mean they are a narcissist. Not always. When a person is a public figure and is still in-tune with others, they are empathic, they realize they are not more special than others, then they are likely not a narcissist. They are a person on tv.
The line blurs, when successful public figures, the ones at the top, have that ambition to be at the top just to be at the top. Narcissists are great at rising up. They find it easy to get the promotion, get into the relationship, to win at whatever it is they are doing. They do it fast because they’re not considering the others.
The Narcissists You Know, and How To Heal From Them.
Often, we wonder what we could have done differently when we’re dealing with a narcissist. The answer is nothing, because the problem is not you.
Dr. Ramani has a new book to help us navigate a world full of narcissists. The new book is called “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.”
Narcissists are all around us. In her new book, Dr. Ramani shares how we can stop blaming ourselves for their bad behavior, stop trying to change them and how we can finally embrace our true selves while letting go of their hold.
This episode is a deep dive into the world of narcissism, enjoy!
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